I am going to tell you some of the steps I personally took in the Lord to heal from my past relationship. (As you may know from my previous entries here, I was abandoned in marriage in 2008. I later ended up divorced in 2009 because of it (see 1 Cor. 7:15.)
Here are some of the steps I took. I hope some of them help you too.
Since the time I was left alone and also since I was divorced, I have done the following:
1) I spent many hours alone in Christ, in prayer, and in silent holy communion with Him. It takes discipline to not be distracted. And believe me, I am easily distracted. So I would just leave all my gadgets at home and go on a prayer walk with Him.
2) I held back from going on any dates during my period of brokenness, which was up to 2 years after the divorce (which was in 2009). Throughout our final period of separation, I honoured my wife until the marriage was legally over by decree of the judge and we were officially divorced. All separated spouses need to honour each other, by not dating someone new, until they are legally divorced. But even when I was divorced, I still was broken. I had no interest in dating because my mind and emotions had a lot of healing, accepting, and sorting to do. I was in no shape yet to give my heart again, so there were no dates for me. That was, I think, a God-ordained factor in my healing process.
3) I did not try to suppress my emotions or deny them when alone with God. I allowed myself to experience the anger, fear, hopelessness, and deep sadness that comes with this type of loss. Divorce is just about as traumatic as the death of a loved one. It is that intense. It is not healthy to try and "be strong" emotionally when you are really weak. And God sees your weakness anyway. So be honest with Him. Share with Him your "ugly" feelings.
See, when I was alone with God, I would let those raw emotions come out. He can handle these things and was not shocked or upset with me for feeling the way that I did. He just had this.... way.... of accepting and touching my raw emotions. When He did, I would cry and pour out before Him. When I stopped crying, there was a tremendous sense of relief and peace that would follow. This kind of deep healing touch from Jesus happened to me at least 3-4 times, since 2009. God was so very kind and gentle to me. He removed the confusion from my thinking. He helped me settle the matter and stop repeating long-gone and dead marital events over and over in my head.
4) I learned life lessons from my past relationship and how I can improve. I now know what I can do better the next time I get involved in a relationship. Even though I was faithful to the end, I can still learn and grow in the Lord. I can pick up lessons that will save me heartache later. One such lesson is: early in the relationship, do not ignore the warning signs of a person who is emotionally and/or spiritually immature. Don't go along with a relationship just because "no one else will go out with me" or "she 'says' all the right things". You have to look beyond their words and observe their actions and their passions to see if a person is really genuine. I have learned to be a little more "picky" and discerning when it comes to relationships.
5) I did not face the darkness alone. I had my church and family. Going through this loss was like walking through a very dark valley. It was like living in a dark depressing corner. In order to heal from loss, you must cross that dark path. There is no shortcut. God is there for us. He will be our light.
And it doesn't stop there. God uses people too. He blessed me so much by giving me the support, love, truth, and prayer partners I needed at church. I also had personal family to talk to and hearing their feedback really helped me to stop blaming or questioning myself over the loss. Their outside perspective was very important in helping me regain proper perspective of the situation.
6) I stopped communicating with my ex-wife. Now, to be clear, we did actually communicate with each other a handful of times after divorce. But we ultimately did not click and there was no reason to allow the communication to continue beyond those few exchanges we had. We ended on friendly terms, and she asked for forgiveness and I forgave her. But that was the end. Because forgiveness and trust are two different things. She had my forgiveness, but was showing that she was still not worthy of trust.
If I didn't make that choice to let the conversation end, then she would have kept me tangled in my emotions and mind and I could not let that happen. As much as I wanted to try again with her, it was still an unhealthy relationship, and she had a way of manipulating/hiding things and facts. I could not be around that kind of mentality if I was going to heal fully.
I realize that children change the dynamics of a divorce and that some communications will probably be needed in those situations (we had no children in our own marriage). But even then, you aren't just sitting on the phone having a general chat. You are focused on the children's needs and that's it. Healing is possible, but we must not allow ourselves to be dragged into our past again by letting our past lover into our present life in an intimate way. If you also have a manipulative ex, who wants to keep hanging on to you in a non-committal way, then you must make the difficult choice to stop communicating. Stop sending emails, making phonecalls, and texting. Ask them to stop sending communications, and if they still do, then refuse to reply to their communications. And you must stick to it. If not, your emotional and soulish wounds will keep being reopened. I speak from personal experience.
Now, some exes are able to keep a friendly line of communication open with each other long after the marriage is over, and everyone is healed. If so, great! But for most of us, we need to get alone with God for a long while, and resist the urge to talk to our ex.
7) I took my time in this process. There is no short cut! And every person handles grief in their own way. But the one common factor we all have, is that we all need time to heal from loss of a loved one. This blog entry deals specifically with the loss of divorce, but certainly several of these points would be true for those who have suffered other types of loss (like death). Give yourself lots of and lots of time. Don't hurry. Don't rush. Don't look for a new lover in order to ease your loneliness. That will often get us into trouble. Let God be the master surgeon who uses His Spirit, His Word, and time to heal your precious heart.
8) I experienced a new and powerful level of the Grace of God. He truly has shown me favour and blessing. I look back today, and can see it now. God's grace has been made a fresh reality in my life because of loss. I looked to Jesus instead of to a new lover, and the result was Amazing Grace! You have access to this grace too! Come boldly to His throne for help in time of need! Ask Jesus for grace!
9) I found the positives hidden in this time of loss. This whole story of mine is now a part of my bigger testimony, all about the love and grace of God. In this time of abandonment, God showed me that He NEVER abandons me. He was always there in the past, and He always will be there.
In that time when I was being lied to, God never lied to me, but always spoke truth in love to me!
Out of that time of loss, I now have the ability to empathize with those who have also experienced abandonment, divorce, and the emotions that go with it. I am empowered by God to minister life and love and truth to these dear saints who have a similar kind of heart-break. It is my honour and privilege to bless the people with compassion. This is the very same compassion Jesus showed me when I was struggling through it all. At one point, I didn't know which way was up, but Christ gently led the way.
I can now share more GRACE with people because I experienced and received it myself, in a special way! With every painful loss, there comes a greater degree of the Grace of God! If only we would be hungry for Him and seek Him diligently!
These events in my life have eventually worked together to show the GOODNESS and FAITHFULNESS of GOD. You too will see God's faithfulness revealed in your time of loss. Let healing come to you in the name of Jesus! Peace can be yours again! If God can restore it to me, He can certainly restore it to you!
Blessings,
Pastor Curtis
Mon. July 13, 2015 8:46PM EST
P.S. Below is my original song, "Broken and Healed" (c) 2014 inspired by Psalm 51 and also by my healing in God. Enjoy and be encouraged!
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